Support groups help parents cope with infant loss
This memorial for babies who have died is located near the south drive of Our Lady of Peace Cemetery at 9001 N. Haverstick Road in Indianapolis. The St. Joseph’s Council of the Knights of Columbus in Indianapolis raised funds for the memorial on cemetery land donated by the Archdiocese of Indianapolis. The Scripture passage from the Book of Jeremiah reads, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I dedicated you, a prophet to the nations I appointed you” (Jer 1:5).
By Mary Ann Wyand
Second of two parts
November is designated as the month of the Holy Souls by the Catholic Church.
Beginning with All Saints Day on Nov. 1 and All Souls Day on Nov. 2, the 11th month of the year is a special time to remember loved ones who have died.
For parents who are grieving the loss of their baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, post-partum death or abortion, it is a particularly difficult time of the year.
The Advent and Christmas seasons are only weeks away, and it is hard for grief-stricken parents to even think about commemorating the holy day of Christ’s birth by celebrating the festive holiday with relatives.
It is also a painful time because many people don’t know what to say to parents who have lost babies, so they may not offer their sympathy at all due to their fear of saying the wrong thing at Thanksgiving or Christmas gatherings.
Infant loss is a type of disenfranchised grief, Father John Dietzen explains in his Catholic advice book, and needs to be validated by Church rituals.
A priest in the Diocese of Peoria, Ill., Father Dietzen writes the “Question Corner” column for Catholic News Service, which is published in The Criterion, and is the author of several books.
In his 2002 book, Catholic Q and A: Answers to the Most Common Questions about Catholicism, published by Crossroad Publishing Company in New York, Father Dietzen encourages grieving parents to plan some type of memorial service for their baby.
“The special hurt that results from the death of one’s child before [he or she] is born deserves to be recognized and soothed by the community’s prayer and liturgy,” Father Dietzen writes. “Full funeral rites may be celebrated for children whose parents intended them to be baptized, but who died before baptism. Since there is no requirement that the body be present, a funeral or memorial Mass is appropriate after a miscarriage.”
The Church’s Order of Christian Funerals explains the rituals in these cases, he notes, including proper burial for infants who do not survive until the 20th week of pregnancy.
“According to directions followed in Catholic [and many other] hospitals,” Father Dietzen explains, “if they can be identified, deceased fetuses are normally given proper burial as is ‘consonant with the dignity of the human body.’ ”
Father Patrick Beidelman, the pastor of SS. Peter and Paul Cathedral Parish in Indianapolis and rector of the cathedral, said it is important for priests and other pastoral ministers to reassure parents who have experienced infant loss that children who die before baptism are taken care of by the “expansive mercy” of God.
“They’re cared for within the bounds of God’s mercy and love,” he explained. “Every assurance should be given [to the parents] that their child is OK.”
Father Beidelman, who is currently on a leave of absence to study liturgical theology in Rome, said the Church’s funeral rituals “connect us to the way we pray, the way we are before God, in the midst of the [grief] experience. … [The Church] puts us in touch with familiar rituals that give us words and actions and gestures that help us process the experience of grief and loss, death and dying.”
Equally important for healing, he said, is the Rite of Committal at the graveside.
“The grave becomes a place that can be visited and where the child can be remembered,” Father Beidelman said, “a place where the loss can be eased or lightened a bit.”
When parents experience miscarriage or as part of post-abortion reconciliation, he said, “I would do whatever I could to celebrate a prayer service or a memorial service if there is the possibility to do that. There is a specific funeral rite for an unbaptized child, and I would utilize those prayers and readings.”
When parents do not know the gender of their baby, he said, such as in miscarriage or abortion, it is important for the parents or parent to choose an identity for the child—male or female—and to name the baby.
“Naming the child gives more validity [to the loss],” Father Beidelman said. “It’s not just their hopes and dreams, but an actual person who has been lost.”
He also recommends family rituals in the home, especially at holidays, to remember and celebrate the baby’s brief life, such as a Christmas ornament decorated with the child’s name.
“Everybody grieves differently,” Father Beidelman said, but support groups—like Resolve through Sharing for parents who have lost babies or Project Rachel for women and men seeking post-abortion reconciliation—can provide much-needed help and comfort.
And he recommends that the priest assure the grieving parents that they can call whenever necessary, and give them permission to explore their feelings and difficult moments.
“They need to know that it’s OK to be angry,” Father Beidelman said. “They need to know it’s OK to have lots of questions as they attempt to find meaning and purpose in the midst of their pain.”
In this way, he said, the Church, parish ministers and parishioners show grieving parents that God is present to them in their time of sorrow.
Servants of the Gospel of Life Sister Diane Carollo, director of the archdiocesan Office for Pro-Life Ministry, encourages women and men who are suffering from the aftermath of abortion to participate in the Church’s Project Rachel programs and Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat.
“Unexpected pregnancies can be very traumatic for women,” Sister Diane said. “Very often, they will seek abortion as a quick solution to their situation. However, those who participate in our archdiocesan post-abortion reconciliation programs frequently admit that their abortion was perhaps the worst decision of their lives.”
Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve can be emotional times for women and men for years after an abortion, she said, and they may struggle with depression during the holidays.
“They suffer emotional, psychological and spiritual scars that require a compassionate response from the Church,” Sister Diane said. “The forbidden grief for their aborted child must be acknowledged and dealt with if they are to heal. … This disenfranchised grief is devastating, and often leaves them feeling depressed, hopeless, anxious and overwhelmed.”
She said Project Rachel programs address the grief, fear, guilt and shame associated with post-abortion syndrome.
“Women and men suffering from the aftermath of abortion should not be afraid to seek help,” Sister Diane said. “Through our Project Rachel programs, many women and men discover the liberating truth that God can make all things new and restore hope to those whose hearts and souls have been crushed by abortion.”
(The next Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat sponsored by the archdiocese is scheduled on March 28-30 at a confidential location. For information about Project Rachel programs and the retreat, contact Servants of the Gospel of Life Sister Diane Carollo at 317-236-1521 or 800-382-9836, ext. 1521, or St. Thomas More parishioner Bernadette Roy of Mooresville at 317-831-2892. All calls are confidential.) †
